Three Huge Mistakes We Make Leading Kids, and How to Correct Them....

Recently, I read about a father, Paul Wallich, who built a camera-mounted drone helicopter to follow his grade-school-aged son to the bus stop. He wants to make sure his son arrives at the bus stop safe and sound. There’s no doubt the gizmo provides an awesome show-and-tell contribution. In my mind, Paul Wallich gives new meaning to the term “helicopter parent.”

While I applaud the engagement of this generation of parents and teachers, it’s important to recognize the unintended consequences of our engagement. We want the best for our students, but research now shows that our “over-protection, over-connection” style has damaged them. Let me suggest three huge mistakes we’ve made leading this generation of kids and how we must correct them.

1. We Risk Too Little

We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. Toxic. High voltage. Flammable. Slippery when wet. Steep curve ahead. Don’t walk. Hazard. This “safety first” preoccupation emerged over thirty years ago with the Tylenol scare and with children’s faces appearing on milk cartons. We became fearful of losing our kids. So we put knee-pads, safety belts and helmets on them…at the dinner table. (Actually I’m just kidding on that one). But, it’s true. We’ve insulated our kids from risk.

Author Gever Tulley suggests, “If you’re over 30, you probably walked to school, played on the monkey bars, and learned to high-dive at the public pool. If you’re younger, it’s unlikely you did any of these things. Yet, has the world become that much more dangerous? Statistically, no. But our society has created pervasive fears about letting kids be independent—and the consequences for our kids are serious.”

Unfortunately, over-protecting our young people has had an adverse effect on them.

“Children of risk-averse parents have lower test scores and are slightly less likely to attend college than offspring of parents with more tolerant attitudes toward risk,” says a team led by Sarah Brown of the University of Sheffield in the UK. Aversion to risk may prevent parents from making inherently uncertain investments in their children’s human capital; it’s also possible that risk attitudes reflect cognitive ability, researchers say.” Sadly, this Scottish Journal of Political Economy report won’t help us unless we do something about it. Adults continue to vote to remove playground equipment from parks so kids won’t have accidents; to request teachers stop using red ink as they grade papers and even cease from using the word “no” in class. It’s all too negative. I’m sorry—but while I understand the intent to protect students, we are failing miserably at preparing them for a world that will not be risk-free.

Psychologists in Europe have discovered that if a child doesn’t play outside and is never allowed to experience a skinned knee or a broken bone, they frequently have phobias as adults. Interviews with young adults who never played on jungle gyms reveal they’re fearful of normal risks and commitment. The truth is, kids need to fall a few times to learn it is normal; teens likely need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require. Pain is actually a necessary teacher. Consider your body for a moment. If you didn’t feel pain, you could burn yourself or step on a nail and never do something about the damage and infection until it was too late. Pain is a part of health and maturity.

Similarly, taking calculated risks is all a part of growing up. In fact, it plays a huge role. Childhood may be about safety and self-esteem, but as a student matures, risk and achievement are necessities in forming their identity and confidence. Because parents have removed “risk” from children’s lives, psychologists are discovering a syndrome as they counsel teens: High Arrogance, Low Self-Esteem. They’re cocky, but deep down their confidence is hollow, because it’s built off of watching YouTube videos, and perhaps not achieving something meaningful.

According to a study by University College London, risk-taking behavior peeks during adolescence. Teens are apt to take more risks than any other age group. Their brain programs them to do so. It’s part of growing up. They must test boundaries, values and find their identity during these years. This is when they must learn, via experience, the consequences of certain behaviors. Our failure to let them risk may explain why so many young adults, between the ages of 22 and 35 still live at home or haven’t started their careers, or had a serious relationship. Normal risk taking at fourteen or fifteen would have prepared them for such decisions and the risks of moving away from home, launching a career or getting married.

2. We Rescue Too Quickly

This generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did thirty years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them. We remove the need for them to navigate hardships. May I illustrate?

Staff from four universities recently told me they encountered students who had never filled out a form or an application in their life. Desiring to care for their kids, and not disadvantage them, parents or teachers had always done it for them.

One freshman received a C- on her project and immediately called her mother, right in the middle of her class. After interrupting the class discussion with her complaint about her poor grade, she handed the cell phone to her professor and said, “She wants to talk to you.” Evidently, mom wanted to negotiate the grade.

A Harvard Admissions Counselor reported a prospective student looked him in the eye and answered every question he was asked. The counselor felt the boy’s mother must have coached him on eye-contact because he tended to look down after each response. Later, the counselor learned the boy’s mom was texting him the answers every time a question came in.

A college president said a mother of one of his students called him, saying she’d seen that the weather would be cold that day and wondered if he would make sure her son was wearing his sweater as he went to class. She wasn’t joking.

This may sound harsh, but rescuing and over-indulging our children is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse. It’s “parenting for the short-term” and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help. Just like muscles atrophy inside of a cast due to disuse, their social, emotional, spiritual and intellectual muscles can shrink because they’re not exercised. For example, I remember when and where I learned the art of conflict resolution. I was eleven years old, and everyday about fifteen boys would gather after school to play baseball. We would choose sides and umpire our games. Through that consistent exercise, I learned to resolve conflict. I had to. Today, if the kids are outside at all, there are likely four mothers present doing the conflict resolution for them.

The fact is, as students experience adults doing so much for them, they like it at first. Who wouldn’t? They learn to play parents against each other, they learn to negotiate with faculty for more time, lenient rules, extra credit and easier grades. This actually confirms that these kids are not stupid. They learn to play the game. Sooner or later, they know “someone will rescue me.” If I fail or “act out,” an adult will smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct. Once again, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world works. It actually disables our kids.

3. We Rave Too Easily

The self-esteem movement has been around since Baby Boomers were kids, but it took root in our school systems in the 1980s. We determined every kid would feel special, regardless of what they did, which meant they began hearing remarks like:

• “You’re awesome!”
• “You’re smart.”
• “You’re gifted.”
• “You’re super!”

Attend a little league awards ceremony and you soon learn: everyone’s a winner. Everyone gets a trophy. They all get ribbons. We meant well—but research is now indicating this method has unintended consequences. Dr. Carol Dweck wrote a landmark book called, Mindset. In it she reports findings about the adverse affects of praise. She tells of two groups of fifth grade students who took a test. Afterward, one group was told, “You must be smart.” The other group was told, “You must have worked hard.” When a second test was offered to the students, they were told that it would be harder and that they didn’t have to take it. Ninety percent of the kids who heard “you must be smart” opted not to take it. Why? They feared proving that the affirmation may be false. Of the second group, most of the kids chose to take the test, and while they didn’t do well, Dweck’s researchers heard them whispering under their breath, “This is my favorite test.” They loved the challenge. Finally, a third test was given, equally as hard as the first one. The result? The first group of students who were told they were smart, did worse. The second group did 30% better. Dweck concludes that our affirmation of kids must target factors in their control. When we say “you must have worked hard,” we are praising effort, which they have full control over. It tends to elicit more effort. When we praise smarts, it may provide a little confidence at first but ultimately causes a child to work less. They say to themselves, “If it doesn’t come easy, I don’t want to do it.”

What’s more, kids eventually observe that “mom” is the only one who thinks they’re “awesome.” No one else is saying it. They begin to doubt the objectivity of their own mother; it feels good in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality.

Further, Dr. Robert Cloninger, at Washington University in St. Louis has done brain research on the prefrontal cortex, which monitors the reward center of the brain. He says the brain has to learn that frustrating spells can be worked through. The reward center of our brains learns to say: Don’t give up. Don’t stop trying. “A person who grows up getting too frequent rewards,” Cloninger says, “will not have persistence, because they’ll quit when the rewards disappear.”

When we rave too easily, kids eventually learn to cheat, to exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face it. A helpful metaphor when considering this challenge is: inoculation. When you get inoculated, a nurse injects a vaccine, which actually exposes you to a dose of the very disease your body must learn to overcome. It’s a good thing. Only then do we develop an immunity to it. Similarly, our kids must be inoculated with doses of hardship, delay, challenges and inconvenience to build the strength to stand in them.

Eight Steps Toward Healthy Leadership

Obviously, negative risk taking should be discouraged, such as smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs, etc. In addition, there will be times our young people do need our help, or affirmation. But—healthy teens are going to want to spread their wings. They’ll need to try things on their own. And we, the adults, must let them. Here are some simple ideas you can employ as you navigate these waters:

1. Help them take calculated risks. Talk it over with them, but let them do it. Your primary job is to prepare your child for how the world really works.
2. Discuss how they must learn to make choices. They must prepare to both win and lose, not get all they want and to face the consequences of their decisions.
3. Share your own “risky” experiences from your teen years. Interpret them. Because we’re not the only influence on these kids, we must be the best influence.
4. Instead of tangible rewards, how about spending some time together? Be careful you aren’t teaching them that emotions can be healed by a trip to the mall.
5. Choose a positive risk taking option and launch kids into it (i.e. sports, jobs, etc). It may take a push but get them used to trying out new opportunities.
6. Don’t let your guilt get in the way of leading well. Your job is not to make yourself feel good by giving kids what makes them or you feel better when you give it.
7. Don’t reward basics that life requires. If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love.
8. Affirm smart risk-taking and hard work wisely. Help them see the advantage of both of these, and that stepping out a comfort zone usually pays off.

Bottom line? Your child does not have to love you every minute. He’ll get over the disappointment of failure but he won’t get over the effects of being spoiled. So let them fail, let them fall, and let them fight for what they really value. If we treat our kids as fragile, they will surely grow up to be fragile adults. We must prepare them for the world that awaits them. Our world needs resilient adults not fragile ones.

Re-Printed from www.growingleaders.com 

Feel Good at Camp

While leafing through an issue of Seventeen magazine at the Pediatricians office, I learned about something the magazine started called the Body Peace Treaty.  The BPT project is all about making peace with your body, and being comfortable in your own skin.    Readers and celebrities alike are being inspired by one another to focus on the good things they have to offer and to encourage young people everywhere to be comfortable with who they are. This project was started as the result of a 14 year old girl who wrote to the magazine regarding airbrushing practices used on teen models.  She got more than 12,500 signatures in an online petition to stop the magazine from drastically altering images of the models, and the Body Peace Treaty was created.  Participants vow to make peace with their bodies and body image, and the number of participants signing up is remarkable.  Some of the vows include…”Do the little things that will keep my body healthy, like walking instead of hanging on the couch, or drinking water rather than something sugary”…”Put my energy toward the things in life I care about instead of wasting another ounce of it on my insecurities”…”Quit judging a person solely by how his or her body looks – even if it seems harmless – because I’d never want anyone to do that to me”. 

What a fantastic treaty to sign and live by, especially in today’s world where it is commonplace to dislike our bodies.  Increasingly unrealistic body images in magazines and on TV lead to the belief that these images are the norm, leaving so many of us struggling to achieve these looks.  These unrealistic body ideals can leads to dissatisfaction, self-loathing, eating disorders and even Body Dysmorphic disorders, where individuals perceive a defect in their appearance that is very small or non-existent. 

     

And though it is true that body image issues affect people of all ages, it can be especially prevalent in teens that are going through body changes.  As the body changes, so can self-image.  A low self-esteem can negatively affect behavior and overall mental health.  Teens who feel badly about their bodies can withdraw from social situations, or unrealistically try to live up to what they think they should look like.  Their self esteem is wrapped up in what the media tells them is acceptable.  Girls are focusing on losing weight and looking flawless, while boys are bulking up to try and attain the perfect look, potentially leading up to feelings of helplessness, depression, and poor body image.  On the other hand, a teen with a positive body image likes and accepts the way they are.  A healthy body image allows someone to be themselves, develop healthy friendships, become independent and challenge oneself physically and mentally.  They may not be perfect but they do not let their looks define who they are. 

It is important to educate ourselves about body image issues, be it by following the Body Peace Treaty, or just being aware of the effects the media plays on our self-esteem.  Images being sold to us are not real and should not be the goal to a happy and healthy life.  We should focus on all the good we have to offer and not our imperfections.  We should stop the self-criticism and be kinder to ourselves.  And we should set a good example to those around us, by living a healthy life and taking care of ourselves with exercise, good nutrition, and setting of personal goals.

The camp environment has always been a place that allows campers to feel good about themselves in a natural setting of healthy outdoor activities and people all around who encourage and support them for who they are and not what they look like.  Camp provides an environment of “come as you are”, and what could be more empowering than that. A camp experience is not about make up or the latest trends in clothing, it’s about being surrounded by true friends that are there for you no matter what.   During the camp season, campers get a break from unrealistic media images on the TV and internet, and have the opportunity to focus on challenges that they feel proud of, and moments that will help develop a healthy body image for years to come.  

Working at an Overnight Camp

The cold weather is upon us here in the Northeast, but before we know it temperatures will rise and signs of Spring will crop up.  In a few short months, college students will be coming home for their summer vacations…3 ½ months off from the stressors and demands of course work.  College students will be trading in their school books for the responsibilities of a summer job.  Some will be headed to the local retail store or office building, and then there are those who will be packing up to work at summer camp.    Yes…summer camp.  A place filled with endless activities, friends, and excitement around the clock!  What may sound like a simple job of watching kids and having fun, involves challenges and skills that are unimaginable. There are very few job opportunities that offer so many personal and professional rewards as being a camp counselor.  Camp provides a beautiful outdoor environment to work with children and positively impact their lives in so many ways. Camp counselors are looked to as role models, friends, surrogate parents, and in the eyes of a child…a hero.  The skill set counselors learn and practice on a daily basis include skills in leadership, communication, responsibility, problem solving, decision making, empathy, and accountability...skills that future employers, in any field, look for and value in their employees.

Acquiring these skills does not come from sitting around and supervising campers…it comes from hard work, involvement and dedication.  Being a camp counselor is as challenging as it is rewarding.  It’s a 24/7 job that will be remembered for a lifetime. And jobs at camp are not limited to being a group counselor and guiding campers through their daily activities.  Activity Specialists job opportunities are also available and an essential part of the camp experience.  As camps grow and increase activity options, the job opportunities continue to grow. Instructors are needed for vast outdoor adventure programs, extensive water sports programs, sports clinics, arts, cooking and even skateboard parks.  Here at Iroquois Springs, the job opportunities grow each year as we develop new and exciting programs for our campers.  This year, we have added a third Art Studio for summer 2013 that will offer Digital Media (photography, film making and commercials), Wearable Art (silk screen and tye dye) and U-Build-It (to create and build).  These additions in programming bring new staff members to the Iroquois Springs family that enjoy teaching and are experts in their area of interest. 

For those potential camp staff members who may be concerned about working at a summer camp if they have never done so before….no worries.  Camps provide an extensive camp staff training to prepare counselors and specialist for what the summer ahead will be like.  During this period, staff members learn all there is to know about camp, working with children and emergency procedures.  Staff is well prepared and gains confidence in taking on this very important and special role.  Camp staff training is also a great time to get to know fellow staff and bond as a group even before the first camper steps foot off the bus.  Here at Iroquois Springs we are a family that works together to make the summer a wonderful and memorable one for all our campers and staff.  So if you are a college student or know of one that wants to experience a fulfilling and rewarding summer, look for a summer camp job.  It will be a decision well made.  

Kids and Stress

The stress of being an adult can be overwhelming at times.  With so many responsibilities and obligations, we often wish we could go back in time and live the carefree lives our children do, free of stress and worry.  Back to a time free of work, bills, and taking care of others.  But we couldn’t be more wrong.  Children do experience stress.  And though it may be difficult to think that a child’s life could be stressful, the stress they feel is real and can negatively impact their health and well being.  The pressures that kids face in today’s world are greater than ever before, and it is more important than ever to help kids learn to deal with stress in healthy ways.

Kidshealth.org defines stress as, what you feel when you are worried or uncomfortable about something.  And though occasional stress is normal and can motivate and help us succeed; constant stress can cause problems. Stress can take on behaviors of anger, frustration and fear, and can lead to real physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches.  

So what do kids stress about?  There are many life triggers that can lead to stress reaction in children.  Some common worries are school work, being overscheduled, peer pressure, fitting in, parents losing a job, moving, and divorce.  Excessive stress can bring on more than headaches and stomachaches.  The American Psychological Association talks about some of the following changes to look for that can identify stress:

- Changes in appetite and eating habits.
- Feeling sick before school.
- Changes in peer interaction
- Excessive anger
- Detachment
- Changes in sleep
- Lying or defying authority
- Becoming disagreeable

While screaming or acting out may release some tension, these behaviors don’t really solve the problem.  So what is a parent to do to help a child feel less stressed and more empowered to deal with life’s stressors?  Stress will always be a part of our lives, so how we deal with it will be at the core of us leading happy and healthy lives.
 
Here are some useful tools:

Get Support:  Encourage children to talk about their feelings with a family member, trusted adult (like a teacher, counselor or coach) or friend.    Having their feelings acknowledged and understood reinforces that they are not alone and will get through this.

 Exercise:  Suggest doing something physical like going for a walk or bike ride.  Exercise is a good tool for fighting stress.  Mayoclinic.com states that one way to gain control over the stress in your life is through regular exercise. Exercise also improves self-confidence and helps with mild anxiety and depression.

Get Enough Sleep:  Sleep is a powerful tool in stress management. Being well rested better enables us to take on the day.

Use Relaxation Techniques:  Teach the use of deep breathing exercises.  Deep breathing will help to pause, relax, and refocus.  A clear head will make it easier to approach stressors.

Start Journaling:  Writing down feelings allows kids to cope with their anger and stress by getting it all down on paper.  Being able to see something in writing and identify stressful patterns can help a child come up with solutions.

Read a Book:  There are plenty of books written for children on stress management techniques.  Make a visit to the library and find an age appropriate book to help children feel understood and cared for.  Read it together and have them talk about what they can apply to their own lives.

Find Balance:  Take a look at your child’s schedule and drop an activity or two if they are feeling the stress of being overscheduled.  

Listen to Music:  Teach your children to enjoy music, as it can have a calming and relaxing effect.

Set a Good Example:  Children often pick up stress from parents and caregivers, so stay calm and take care of you.  Most importantly, let your kids know you love and value them and will help them through any stressors that come their way.

Give a Camp Experience:  Camp provides a genuinely happy environment where kids can relax and take a break from daily stressors.  Kids put down their electronics, close the school books and focus on having fun with each new adventure.  Campers experience a truly nurturing environment where they build self-esteem, develop lifelong friendships, and enjoy a stress free summer.