Overcoming Failure Builds Character

I remember the first time I saw bumpers being used at the bowling alley.  You’ve seen them; the walls that go up to protect the ball from going in the gutter.  I have to admit, I was a bit outraged.  Being somewhat competitive, I thought that it was “cheating”.  That the bowler was not really earning the score they were getting, learning any skill or feeling a true sense of accomplishment.  Maybe it was silly to react to something so trivial, since the kids were having a good time playing and knocking down the pins, but it still didn’t sit well with me.  After all, what is so terrible about the ball going in the gutter?  Won’t it just teach children to learn to bowl and feel a sense of accomplishment when they do knock down the pins?  I also think the bumpers didn’t sit well with me because it gives the message that we don’t trust our children to accomplish anything on their own.  Okay, I will move on from the bowling alley bumpers, but it got me thinking about the bigger picture and how today’s children are protected from so many life experiences that will help them to grow and become resilient adults. 

It is natural to want to protect our children and make their lives as comfortable as possible, but maybe a little discomfort could be to their advantage.  Paul Tough, in his book, How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character, notes “we have an acute, almost biological impulse to provide for our children, to give them everything they want and need, to protect them from dangers and discomforts both large and small.  And yet, we know – on some level at least – that what kids need more than anything is a little hardship: some challenge, some deprivation that they can overcome, even if just to prove to themselves that they can”. 

As parents, we of course have the best of intentions, and operate from a place of love, but we may need to take a step back and let our children take on challenges and let the chips fall where they may.  Working towards a goal, and earning the reward (especially when it is challenging) teaches perseverance and the courage to try something new.  It builds character and teaches self-reliance for the next obstacle that may arise.  I am constantly encountering situations where I have the urge to take care of things for my children.  To make sure they do not experience any discomfort or upset.  Do I correct the homework… tell the coach to give my son more playing time… speak to the kid on the bus who is name calling?  And then I take a step back and realize that there is no problem to fix.  My son is checking his answers with the teacher and learning from his mistakes.  The coach is learning more about my other son’s abilities on the field and is giving him more time as the season progresses.  My daughter has spoken up for herself and is now friendly with the student that was name calling.  When equipped with the right tools, they are capable of working things through and trusting themselves to do so.  I’m sure I will be faced with trickier situations that may require me to step in and advocate for my children, but hopefully I will have the awareness to guide them as best I can, and then have faith in them to overcome any obstacle.  

End Bullying Today!

You don’t have to search very hard in today’s world to find a story about bullying.  Bullying is taking place in schoolyards, playgrounds, and throughout social media.   The effects of bullying can be extremely damaging, and can result in fearfulness, anxiety, depression, and loss of self-confidence.  Many victims feel scared and do not report the bullying.  With nowhere to turn, victims can feel helpless and hopeless.   Luckily, there are now organizations and movements such as Love is Louder, DoSomething.org, Stomp Out Bullying and Teens Against Bullying, that are being supported by celebrities who are using their voices to raise awareness and put an end to bullying.  

October is National Bullying Prevention month.  Sponsored by PACER’s National Bullying Prevention Center, it is a time when communities can unite nationwide to raise awareness of bullying prevention through events, activities, outreach and education.  What started as a week-long event in 2006, has now evolved into a month long effort.  Julie Hertzog, Director of PACER’s, says “The culture of bullying won’t end until people across the country take action and show kids they care” In 2011 Ellen DeGeneres promoted Unity Day on television by wearing orange and reminding millions of viewers about the importance of bullying prevention. 

Stopbullying.gov defines bullying to include actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.  They also define bullying as unwanted aggressive behavior among school age children.  Unfortunately bullying is clearly no longer just a childhood issue.  Anyone of any age can be victim to bullying.  

This past June, we all became familiar with 68 year old Karen Klein, a bus aide and grandmother of eight, who became a national sensation when a cell phone video of her being bullied by middle school students went viral.  Their torment brought her to tears, and also brought her an outpouring of outrage and support from strangers.  Concerned citizens raised more than $650,000 in donations to send Klein on vacation. 

Also recently in the news was Jennifer Livingston, a television anchor, who responded on air to an email complaint about her weight and setting a poor example for young viewers.  Ms. Livingston used this opportunity to speak publically about the complaint and raise awareness of bullying. She spoke of being more than a number on the scale and encouraged all children out there who feel lost or who are struggling, “Do not let your self-worth be defined by bullies.  Learn from my experience – that the cruel words of one are nothing compared to the shouts of many.”

There are also children who are standing up to their bullies and raising awareness by sharing their experiences publically.  Katie Uffens, a high school student, who decided to leave school when she found out about a club (Kill Katie Klub) that was being formed by some of her classmates.  Katie went on national television in hopes to turn her experience into something positive that will help in the efforts to put a stop to bullying.

How wonderful to see victims of bullying taking action and raising awareness of a problem that affects so many people.  How even more wonderful it would be if every victim had the access or willingness to get the word out and stop the abuse they are living through.  But all too often victims of bullying feel threatened both physically and emotionally and suffer in silence.  So let’s join together and help put an end to bullying.  

If you witness bullying or see a friend who may be experiencing signs of being bullied, like feelings of helplessness, decreased self-esteem, changes in grades or avoidance of social situations, check in with them.  Ignoring the problem will not make it go away.  Get involved with whatever your school or community has to offer this month and take a stand against bullying.   

  

“We have a responsibility to be better to each other, and accept each other’s differences regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, race, ability or religion, and stand up for someone when they’re bullied”.

Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter star. (as written on TheCelebrityCafe.com website). 

Friendships Matter!

Summer camp has so many positive influences on a young person’s life, from gaining independence and trying new things, to building self-confidence and simply having a great time.  But what makes all these experiences so much better is sharing them with the friends we make.  It is often said that one of the most amazing and significant parts of the camp experience are the friendships that develop.  But no matter where your friendships begin, friendships are meaningful and beneficial to a happy and healthy life. 

Friendships contribute to healthy psychological development and wellness starting in early childhood and continuing throughout adulthood.  Friendships can be a wonderful source of emotional strength and help us feel more self-confident.  Friendships increase our sense of belonging and purpose.  Friends listen, provide support, and give encouragement.  Friendships allow us to give of ourselves and care for others.  Friends help us grow.  They teach us patience and understanding, and even help us work through conflicts when we don’t see eye to eye.  Friendships provide a sense of peace when we are struggling.   

From a very early age, children are interested in playing with other children.  But friendships provide children with more than just fun playmates, they help children develop emotionally and morally.  In interacting with friends children learn how to communicate, cooperate, and solve problems.  In an article by Millie Ferrer and Anne Fugate at the University of Florida IFAS Extension, research has found that children who lack friends can suffer from emotional difficulties later in life.  A New York Times article, about the Power of Friendship, notes that even having one friend is enough to buffer an anxious, withdrawn child against depression, and seemed to put the brakes on the downward slide toward depression during the pre-teen years.  Nancy McElwain, associate professor of Human Development at the University of Illinois, noted that friendship quality was important for both boys and girls in Kindergarten.  Kindergarten kids with high-quality friendships tended to have fewer behavior problems and better social skills than those whose friendships were of low or moderate quality.  Peer relationships also play an important role in adolescent development and can contribute to a full and rewarding life.  Through friendship youth learn about peer norms, values, and accepted social behaviors.  Youth exchange important emotional, social and practical supports that help them navigate the challenges of adolescence more easily. 

In short, children benefit greatly from having friends. They help a child grow and develop the self-confidence and social skills needed into adulthood.  And having strong friendships into adulthood is likely to increase longevity, reduce stress and once again improve self-esteem.  So even though it takes time to stay in touch, especially when life gets busy, reach out to your friends.  They will keep you happier and healthier for years to come.  Friendships are important and worth the effort. 

“Relationships help people feel that they are worthy, that they are capable, that they can set goals and accomplish them, and that they can control their lives”. 

       Toni Antonucci, professor of psychology, University of Michigan.